Homocidal Rampage

When we first started marriage counseling, we filled out a "FOCUS" questionaire. It is a 91 mutliple choice question survey that each partner seperately fills out about how they feel about specific things in the relationship. For instance, "You and your spouse have the same thoughts on sex. strongly agree, agree, sometimes, disagree, strongly disagree", etc. Then it was sent off to be analyzed and we proceeded to go over it the last few months. The FOCUS pulled out our strengths and weaknesses in our relationship and we've been working on those things in counseling and at home, etc. Our marriage counselor asked us to get a babysitter for our next session, so we can fill out a "FOCUS for the future" thingy. This questionaire is more like... "knowing what you do about this issue, how will you try to connect with your spouse and make things better?" This was not the multiple choice that the other FOCUS was, this required introspection, thought and explanation about what your plans are to help the relationship. I am a very open person and have no trouble most times saying how I feel, what my plans are and how I plan to achieve my goals. David, however, is not. This was very dissapointing. Half the thing he didn't fill out. The other half was generic crap, in my opinion. No thoughts, no feelings, no emotions. This has been the problem in our marriage, but he's been supposedly working on this for the last few months. It was just like this was an eye opener that he really wasn't trying. It's also stuff that's been surfacing again the last few days. Then he proceeds to tell me he felt bombarded and didn't understand why I would feel sad over his answers. He tells me he feels like a zombie and has no feelings, thoughts or opinions about anything. That's suppose to make me feel loving and happy?
So we ended up having a long session, ran to pick up kids from the babysitter, and David hurried to get ready for work. I was sad and upset. While David is getting ready for work, he proceeds to tell me that he went to the orderly room yesterday to find out what he needs to test for his next rank in February and make sure he has everything in order to do so (which I told him to do in January!!!!) and found out that he can't!!!!!!!! He can NOT test til Feb. 2010!!! Now I'm livid. When he got demoted and his stripe taken, last December, I told him he'd have to be in a certain amount of time, he assured me that he checked into it and all was well, he'd just miss one testing cycle, blah blah blah. HE LIED!!!!!!!! I went off! Homocidal rampage. I really feel like I want to kill him at this point! More time in this financial ditch we're in! Does he care? NO! Does he have any thoughts, or opionions about it? NO! I wanted to kill him. I hate him for putting our family in this situation! I hate him for not caring! I hate him for just "being". How can you "just be"? How can you not think about what's next? Recourse to your actions? How can you have no feelings or thoughts for your wife and children? I asked him, if I died in the surgery, or me and the children left him, if he'd care and he said that sometimes he didn't think so. WHAT? At least it was honest.
So I'm livid, screaming my head off at him over the phone (cause he had to go to work!), cleaning like mad, and I needed to calm down. I couldn't find my Xanax, so I took my son's Ativan. I guess there aren't exactly the same, or equal in miligrams (I only took 2.5 mg), etc...cause I got very tired and took a nap with the kids and didn't wake up. Stephanie called at 330pm and Ben answered, saying I was sleeping (not unusual, I often take naps with the kids). So then I was suppose to be at church at 6pm and when Steph called back at 630pm, I was still sleeping...so she freaked out and told Ben to wake me up. I called her back, she called Jennie to check on me, I was very groggy, yada yada. Hey, at least I stopped my homcidal rampage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have come to the conclusion that David's not going to change for any length of time, let alone permanently. I need to just deal with it and adapt. I have 4 kids. That's it. I either have to come to grips with it, or be in eternal and perpetual misery!