Friends

I have been burned bad, over the years by "friends". While I am a very open person and most people know everything about me, I am still not trusting. I expect the bad. My mom has had her friends over while I've been visiting and they are laughing and having a great time. She'll look over at me and say, "see this is why you need friends." Friends schmends...so they can tell people your personal business, talk bad about you, stab you in the back? No thanks.
I try to be a good person, not be judgemental and opinionated. I try to help anyone and everyone in anyway I possibly can, even if I've been burned by that person, I still help if I can. I have let my family suffer to help friends, I have bent over backwards to help people in general, you don't even have to be a friend, if I can, I will help. For what? Usually I lose the friend, or they drop me when I'm no longer needed, they talk bad behind my back...I've given up. I still help people and try to be a good friend (it's ingrained in me and the way I was raised!!!), but my expectations for reciprication are very low. I'm an odd duck (if you're reading this, it means your on my friends list and most likely know this about me already)...I expect disagreement and judgement and bad talk about my life. It's just how it's always ended up.
The last few years I have surrounded myself with "different" people. Most my friends are local homeschoolers. I am not a greatly social person, so I don't meet many that are outside our online local homeschooling group and I'm not good with the phone and visiting and all that. So this has been nice, you chat online and meet for playdates, occasional field trip...nothing to serious, not too much "face to face", no worries about phone communication, etc. Since I've had the gastric bypass and then immediately following-the two younger children, I've felt like I was drowning in life. I've been "getting by". I do the once a month meet with friends "socially", but other then that, it's a weekly or every other week playgroup meeting. I haven't gotten too close to many people.
This small group of local homeschoolers has really become good friends! I have been proven wrong. Okay so everyone still has thier opinons, but they tell them to you and share them with you and straight up about who they are. Everyone talks about everyone, but that's just life! LOL. This group I have fallen in love with has really been such a blessing!!!! They are seemingly understanding, loving, accepting. Some of them I don't see often, but they are there in spirit and kindness and words of encouragement and love.
My friend Stephanie has put together a care taking schedule for the kids and help round the house, and meals for while I am in surgery and recovering! Much to my suprise!!!! Stephanie said, "there are lots of people that love you Jenn and want to help." WHY? This surgery I am having is elective, I thought if anything, I'd be judged and "dropped" like a bad habit. No, instead, people are helping me!!! They are offering and insisting on taking care of kids and to come over and help me. Here I am in my most cynical, skeptical, reclusive, and depressed stage of life and people are rallying around to help me???? I can't offer to babysit or cook in return (although I can clean and organize pretty well)...what can I do to repay them?
My friends: Stephanie, (Ashley when she was here!!!), Jennie, Lea, Rachel, and Diana have had and will have the kids more then I've ever LET anyone. They've really made it feel safe to allow them to help me and not feel like a failure! Stephanie, Lea and Jennie have made me feel safe to "let go" a bit. I'm sure there's the whole gossiping thing, but I don't care! They don't make me feel like an alien. Stephanie and Lea have more kids then me and they are okay! They've survived this stage of life. I can only hope that it was with the help of great friends like I have had to get me through. I can only hope that they were shown the comradre, positivity and acceptance that they've passed on to me. I have been truly blessed. Thank you God for sending such wonderful people into my life at a most critical time.
Thank you to my dear friends. I appreciate you!!! Thank you for the love, kindness, encouragement, and physical and emotional help you have given me and my family.