Vegetable

December 26-I can barely move today. I woke up with a crick in the neck, I'm swollen and in pain. I literally spent 80% of the day in bed. While the kids napped, David and his dad went and picked up wood from a guy who cut down 100 trees on his property. I'm thinking once it seasons, next winter...we'll have firewood for our fire pit and to give Stephanie for the fireplace. She said Marc likes the fire place. David's chainsaw blade is dull, so dad took David to the hardware store and bought him a file and a couple other things he saw we needed around the house. I apologized to dad for being so reclusive and locked up in my room. He competely understood. I had warned him several times before he came, so he knew. What we didn't know is just how hard Chris and Bonnies visit and my being up so much would take on me! Dad and David played with the kids, it was 60 degrees! David cleaned out the car, they went for a walk with the dog, played at the park, etc. Certainly wore the kids out!
December 27-Paul left at 5am, he has a 12 hour drive to Austin Texas. We said our goodbyes the night before, he didn't want to bother us. I still can't move today. Not as swollen but a bit and in lots of pain. Neck can't move. I've done muscle relaxer, pain med, heating pad, massage. Nothings working. Today I spent probably 90-95% of the day in bed.
December 28-Slept with heating pad on my neck. No help. Stll can't move my neck. More swollen today then yesterday. Still can't move my neck. I got the kids lunch while David was out running errands and I was in so much pain. I wanted to clean house and put away Christmas, but I don't think that's gonna happen. I have come to the conclusion that I don't care! David goes back to work tonight 10pm-7am, then he'll have to sleep all day and I won't be able to be in my bedroom, so I have all week to work on the house!

Christmas 08

Merry Christmas all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today was awesome! I woke up early and I had stressed all last night and this morning that we didn't have anything to give dad (except flavored coffees). I thought I'd be up and about by now, I had plans to make him a Tshirt with the grandkids names on it, or scraobook something, etc. BUT, I am not driving, so I didn't make it to Michael's for a tshirt, nor did I make it to church for my fabric paints and my scrap area is not really accessible. I took the pic of dad and David and Chris and found a great frame in a digital program I had and printed it up, I went downstairs to find a frame for it. I got the frame and then was sifting thru some supplies and found this little square notebook that I thought mabe I could use for something. I came up with this awesome idea...I made a "notebook" out of this little book, decorated the front, I wrote a little note on the inside of the cover and then filed it with poems, sayings, and "We love you because..." for dad and grandpas. I then had Ben write "Papa, I love you" in his hand writing on one page and put Ben's name, age and date on it. And, on the last page, put a small pic of each of his grandkids (all taken within the last couple months!) Okay, so the kids were very patient thru all this...they were fed breakfast, played with papa and daddy, etc. 11AM, I am finally done and ready to open presents.
Ben got a full guitar and kit that he wanted from Papa-also a remote control car, puzzles, Yatzee game and few other things. Shanndon got a DarthVader helmet case full of 63 Star Wars figurines-from when David was little that Dad found in his storage area-also a play guitar, FisherPrice race track, bath foam and other things. Christianna got "Bella Ballerina", it has a ballerina bar, mat, and DVD for Papa-she also got a baby doll, stuffed animal, foam bath and other things. Dad cried over my presets for him. He said this was the best Christmas he's had in 25 years! WOOHOO! Chris called and phhed and ahhed over thier presents (Discovery Toys and Mary Kay), they were very grateful and excited and impressed! WOOHOO!!! I like making people happy!!!! We then ate a simple lunch-sandwhiches.
I am dead today. The last 4 days has taken a huge toll on me! I am barely functioning. I am in terrible pain!!! The kids played the rest of the day so nicely with all thier new toys. David made a chicken in the Rotisserie, augratin potatoes and steamed brocoli and dad made biscuits for dinner. I literally laid down the rest of the day, except coming out for dinner and then later in the evening I came out and played one game of Yatzee. Luckily the kids come in my room all the time to share thier toys with me and play wth me. or I probably wouldn't have seen them much today.
Merry Christmas all!!!!! May you be abundantly blessed with peace, joy and love. Be sure to relax and sit back and enjoy the magic of the season.

Christmas Eve Events

Santa Claus is coming to town! The kids are excited. They made and wrapped up thier cookies for Santa and put out the "reindeer chow" in the lawn (in a dog food bowl!). David's dad had never heard of this "tradition" and thought it was cool and took pics! Paul (David's dad) played with the kids all evening, and read Christmas books. We ate meat and cheese, fruit, and a gingerbread house for snack before bed. I was sooooooo swollen and sore by this time. I've been upright for 3 days with barely any rest. I was cleaning the table and I had bad pain in my abdomin and bad swelling. I called David and told him what was going on and he said to go lay down, that he'd finish cleaning up the kitchen and playroom. Not only did he clean up, he wrapped the remainder of the presents too!!!!!!!! By the time David finished everything and we were ready to go to sleep, it was about 130am, Then we ended up talking about the emotional days' events! We ended up not going to bed til 4am!!!!

Healing and Reconcilitation

While David was making breakfast, Chris and I sat in the living room chatting and drinking our coffee. He started talking about wanting to be closer and now that we're "only" 6 hours apart, they want to see us more and raise the cousins together and get beyond "superficial talk". I explained to him that this made me nerveous since he seems to cut everyone out of his life that he doesn't agree with. He then explained how being astranged from dad was different. I said, alright, you want to know how I really feel? You annoyed me yesterday. I told him how I felt about the "dictatorship" he had pulled the day before. He apologized and we talked about how he could have stated things different and I could have said I was in pain and had stuff to do, yada yada. He had no problem taking Christianna and had I expressed it, he knew there was room for all 3 kids in his car and could have told me that. We had a nice conversation and it was relieving.
Dad called at 1045am, saying he was an hour away. He left Melanie's house at 5am! Chris was still needing a shower and in his PJs. We were still in the middle of a lot of talking about issues. He wasn't ready to leave yet! He asked us how we'd feel if he decided to stay. The fact that there could be "confrontation" in our home. I explained that while I'd be nerveous, it was exciting and hopeful that there might be a hug involved. David was nerveous too. Chris got his shower and packed up and ready to go. Dad called and he was at the gate. I vacuumed the house and straightened up. I got out meat and cheese and cakes for lunch and set the table up nicely. David took the kids to get dad.
Wow, Dad walked in and was suprised to see Chris. There was a hug! He was so happy. Dad started making small talk, asking about pics of the kids, we sat at the table and started eating. Chris just out of the blue got in on dad, saying "ya, we can make superficial talk, but I want to go beyond that", so he started talking to dad about his issues. After a while he asked to go to the living room since his back was hurting. We sat til 4pm talking!!!!!!!!!! There is reconcilitation and healing in the air!!! I took a pic of dad with his two sons as Chris was getting ready to leave. Dad was just in heaven! Chris left about 5pm.

Tuesday December 23, 2008

Chris and David arrived home about 130am, we all went to bed about 2am. Chris wakes up this morning and comes in and announces to me that he and David are going to take the boys out and wash his car and get a windshield wiper. David woke up a it later, he had no idea. He suggested taking Christianna with, but I didn't think all 3 kids would fit in Chris' little car. Then he suggested we all go with our van too, but, I was really hurting and didn't want to leave the house. So, then later they were talking about this errand they were going to run and Chris asks about other "things" to do in town..."we have all afteroon right?" he asks. UH...NO! I was up all day Sunday and Monday and I'm hurting. While Christianna is napping, instead of laying down to recover, I'll have to get into the basement to find gifts for the family and get dinner started. I got attitude with David, I was annoyed that he let Chris think they had all afternoon, and wasn't considering that I've been up hosting his family and caring for the kids alone for the last 3 days. He said, "no we'll just run errands and make it quick". I said, "yeah right". (David just follows around and goes with whatever anyone tells him). Sure enough...they did the sight seeing and visiting David's work. I fought with Christianna for a long time to nap, so I didn't get to rest or anything. One she got to sleep, I went to the basement. I got back upstairs and laid everything out and supplies for wrapping, started dinner, and then the guys got home about 10 minutes later. David got the extras together for dinner and I laid down. After dinner we hung out watching TV and chatting, playing with the kids, debating politics, etc. It was a nice visit. So weird to have someone in the house with an opinion and views and thoughts! Chris is in bed by 10pm at home, so we all went to bed early. His plan is to leave after lunch on Christmas Eve, so he'll be home with the family. David's dad, Paul, is visiting his ex-stepdaughter (David's ex-stepsister) in Dallas and is planning to be here after lunch time. Chris and Dad are astranged, so they'll literally pass each other in the wind. So sad. It would be nice if Chris stayed and gave Dad a hug. But alas, he's not ready.
Other then the little annoyance over Chris just deciding and doing, it was a nice visit. David has really enjoyed spending time with his brother. And it's nice to see Chris appreciating his brother and seeing waht a great dad he is. Chris and Bonnie are very strict, scheduled people and we AREN'T! While our lifestyle drives them nuts, but they have said they see things they can learn from us. Also, we found out that they have, after 7 years of questioning us, not approving, etc...are in fact, going to HOMESCHOOL thier children!!! And they will have lots of questions and need advice...I'm not sure I'm the one they need to ask or if I qualify as the "expert", but I will try to find out info they need and want, none the less. We'll see how that goes!

December 22, 2008

David's brother-Chris- and his family and David woke up at 6am. They packed up, loaded up with coffee and headed on the road. By the time they got thier big moving van, with thier car attached to a trailer behind it, manuvered out of our culdesac, it was about 7am, they got on the road. They ended up having to take the car off the trailer and driving it seperately to a straight street and reattaching it. They drove down to Ft. Worth Texas, got the keys for the house (my brother in law i going to seminary school-he's going to be a preacher-and they are moving to campus housing). David and Chris unloaded the truck, then they all went out to dinner and then Chris and David drove back up to Wichita. They got home about 130am.
I was left alone with the kids. It went well. The kids were sad that their cousins weren't here even though we told them they were leaving, but they understood after a while. Having Ben home was a great relief, he's a big help. The kids have been great with me being laid up (although I've been up about 75% of the day, yesterday and today). They cuddle with me, bring me books to read, play in my clean laundry pile at the foot of my bed and watch a lot of TV. LOL Chris and Bonnie's kids trashed the house(basement, bedrooms and playroom!!!!) I ended up feeling really good in the night, so I deep cleaned the house after the little ones went to bed. I was up when the guys got home and we were al in bed by 2am.

5 week post surgical update

Well it's now been 5 weeks since surgery. I went to the Dr. last Wednesday and my next appt. is Dec. 31. Things are going well in the healing department according to the DR. I now have this "body shaper" thing to wear 24/7 (except showering) and it's horrible (what else is new-everything is horrible at this point!). It's this undergarment that goes from my knees to my chest bone to "hold me together". Dude I can't breath in this thing. I'm suppose to wear it for 6 weeks. I haven't been wearing it at night because it suffocates me tho and I've literally hyperventilatled! There is still lots of swelling, but not enough to render him excavating it with a needle, so that was a good thing. Everyday I get better and faster moving. I'm trying to do what I can. The pain from David crashing us into a curb is gone, so that's a plus. Hives are gone...another plus. I am hoping that by the 8 week mark, I am truly "back to normal", although at this point I can't imagine it. Different "pains" and sensations come up each day or so. I've told David that this was the worst decision I've ever made in my life and that I don't know if I can go thru with the other surgeries. He's been very supportive and encouraging...saying that this was a big one and it'll be better once I look back and how the others aren't as bad...but in the moment...that's how I feel. I've told the people that "envy me" or are saying I'm lucky and want to do it for themselves...Don't do it! Take it for what it's worth from the patient only 5 weeks out, but...I think had I REALLY known what it would take and cost and the pain I'm in...I'd have kept the dang skin!!!!!!!!!!!! At 5 weeks, it doesn't feel worth it. I'll keep you updated on if that changes! LOL You think you "know what to expect" before hand-I've seen the TV shows, I've done the research. I knew this was the worst thing I'd ever go thru, I thought I could handle it...I was wrong! I'm a wuss! David has been so supportive and patient and dilligent. The kids have been amazing! I am a one proud wife and momma!!!!

My brother in law (Chris) and sister in law (Bonnie) and thier kids are moving from Montana to Texas. They were suppose to get here Saturday afternoon and leave Sunday afternoon. They were going to take Ben and David to Texas with them to help them move. Plans changed. They did about 25 MPH all thru Montana as they hit bad weather and then the next day hit rush hour in Denver. On Sunday...5 miles from our house...they were driving down Kellogg and a car right in front of them doing 70 MPH crashed into a pole and exploded, killing 3 people. That was it, they couldn't go on any longer. Bonnie was hysterical...the 3 kids saw it happen as well. They pulled a charred burning body out into the street in front of them! Chris brought the two little ones that were in the van with him, to our house and picked up David and then went back to get Sam and Bonnie who were driving the UHAUL. David ended up driving the van back here with Sam, while Chris and Bonnie stayed all afternoon answering questions and dealing with "trauma counselors". They spent the night and left this morning. David and Chris will go to FT. Worth and sign for thier house, get keys and unload the truck and drive back home tonight or tomorrow morning. Bonnie will stay and take the kids to her parents. Chris will stay here til Wednesday afternoon (Christmas Eve) and head home in time for Christmas Eve dinner. Ben is staying home with me. :( poor guy. Chris and the kids (and maybe Bonnie) will come back up about Jan. 2 for a couple days before Chris' school starts. Now that they're only 6 hours away, we'll be able to see them more. Craziness here!

Thank you all for such love, support, kind words and prayers and thoughts. They are so appreciated! I can't even express how truly grateful I am for everything!

2 weeks post surgery

Well, I went to my 2 week check up. Everything looks good. He took out 1 of the 4 drains. The drains are annoying and are killing me. It's a lot for me to get out and around, so I ended up resting the rest of the day. Thursday I woke up and found that my left tummy drain had come unstitched and called the DR. They said just to baby it. Also all day Thursday I was having pain in my right tummy, that didn't relieve at all, so I called the Dr and Stephanie (to babysit) and David took me in. 1 of 3 things could be wrong...1 I could have "over done it" (in my opinion not likely, but i suppose it's possible since I did go on a screaming rampage Wednesday night about the disgusting state of the house and tried to do stuff Thursday morning), 2 The fluid that would have drained in the one they took out was trying to work itself to other drains and therefore "pulling" on healed tissue which caused pain, or 3 pulled a stitch inside me (nothing they can do about it without reopening me! ) So, Thursday and Friday I was on strict bedrest. Saturday we got out of the house and did a couple small things, one of which was grocery shopping (with me in a wheel chair) and I came home and slept Saturday to Sunday night. I am often still in a lot of pain, I am trying to take as little pain medication as possible. Moving around very slowly. Very uncomfortable and just "itchy and twitchy" I sleep A LOT!!!!!!!!! It's all part of the process, but just wanted to let everyone know what's going on here.

Sunday night David got a call from work...one boss is away for conferences and one coworker ended up hospitalized Friday with Ecoli and is still there with a "deflated" lung. He needs to come back to work on day shift. HUH? I'm sleeping 24/7 and David needs to go back to work?! crap!!! So, we talked about it. David said he'd do all clean up: dishes, laundry, wiping, etc when he gets home and get dinner each night! David will have to leave work to take me to Dr. appt on Wednesday and Thursday. So we'll see how this goes!!!!

My next Dr. appt is 915 on Wednesday-please pray I get my drains out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10 days post surgery

Today is Nov. 30-10 days since surgery (Belt Lipectomy-360* middle body lift). Things are going well. Lea had my kids the day or surgery, although David had off Friday (suprise free day off for a base goal day!), Jennie watched my kids for a bit while he came to bring up my medicine and visit with me for a few minutes and Saturday while he picked me up from the hospital, Stephanie had my kids on Monday and Tuesday (and took the two youngest grocery shopping!!! INSANE WOMAN!) and Diana had my kids overnight Tues- Wednesday. It has been such a blessing having everyone's support and I can't thank those of you enough! I returned home Saturday afternoon. I didn't come out of my room until Tuesday (bed to bathroom was all I could do every couple hours), then I slowly made it down the hall and back, and that was about it before needing a pain pill and a nap!!! I've slowly been progressing. Now I can actually make it down the hallway and spend some time sitting with the family for a few minutes before needing to back and lay down again, sometimes with a pain pill, sometimes just laying down will suffice.

I went to the Dr. on Wednesday. He's very pleased with the way things are going. Said just keep up what I'm doing. I have another appt. this Wednesday, I'm hoping he'll take the drains out and that will help with some of the pain, uncomfortability and "depression". I am trying to wean off the strong meds, so I'm not taking them much now. Still walking slow and hunch over a bit and often in a lot of pain, but it's all getting better daily. In two months they say I should be "back to normal". I deifinitly look forward to that!!!

David cooked a Turkey, made mashed potatoes and gravy for Thanksgiving dinner. Some of our friends prepared other pieces of the meal for us-greenbean casserole, orange/cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes and marshmellows and rolls. David did very well, thank God for explicit directions! LOL The whole meal was delicious and the family really enjoyed it. I came out for a bit and ate Thanksgiving dinner with everyone. And we've been enjoying the leftovers all day Friday and Saturday-but alas, the leftovers are now gone :( The kids are doing well. They come and cuddle and talk with me and ask me to read to them in my bed, and are happy when I come out of my room. They loved running to tell me it was snowing last night while daddy was putting up outside Christmas decorations. David is doing well for the moment with housework and keeping up with everything. Ben has been a tremendous help and I try to do what little I can, when I can (wipe a countertop as I pass by, sprinkle the carpet freshening powder as a I hobble back to my room, take stickers off the wall that the kids have gotten into :) etc). Everything else just has to be "let go".

I do appreciate the prayers and support and ask that you continue. We've had friends make and freeze (with directions), some meals, to help relieve David out with care of family and responsibilities. The food we have recieved so far has been a blessing and a great help and so delicious! I can not Thank everyone enough!!!!! I really appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you! I will update again if and when there is something to report...probably Wednesday. David has the next two weeks off to take care of me/kids, take kids and I to Dr. appts. ect.

I also posted pictures of "setting up Christmas", I pretty much laid on the couch and took pictures and watched the kids. Shanndon had been BEGGING to put up Christmas, as he saw lights and such around town. I personally don't believe in skipping over Thanksgiving though, so we waited til the weekend after Thanksgiving. The kids had a blast.

Surgery Details

Thursday Nov. 20-My check in time was 830am. I signed in at 8:34am, the Center actually called me to see if I was still coming in (as I was pulling up to the door!). They were all rush rush, as if I had been 15 minutes late or something. Geesh...
Only one person could go back with me, so immediately after signing in, I had to say goodbye to David and the kids. I walked in with nothing but PJs on and my glasses, so they had nothing to misplace. When David has his shoulder surgery, it took them an hour to locate his glasses!!!!!!!!!!!! I am blind, I couldn't have that!
Surgery was scheduled for 930am. I did not get back there til noon!!!!!!! Talk about mental anguish. The anticipation and stark cold waiting area was so mentally depleting and torture. They couldn't give me a sedative or anything like they normally do while"waiting" because I had to stand up to have the DR "mark" me! So he knew what he was doing in surgery.
I finally got taken back about noon and into recovery about 6pm and to my room about 8pm. The kids were with my friend, Lea, and David was at work. The DR. personally called David to tell him about the surgery. Everything went very well, he was very pleased. For the first night, I was hooked up to a catheter and IV meds...Morphine-NICE!
Friday at 6am the Dr. came in and said that I could be discharged if I wanted or I could choose to stay another night. They'd have to take me off the IV and get me up and walking pretty quick. I had prepaid for a 2nd night (on the nurse's advise "just in case" cause it's cheaper if you prepay, so I told him that and he was relieved...they didn't have to rush me. Turns out they didn't have the oral pain medicine there-Dilaudid. So the DR. wrote a script and David had to go to Walgreens to fill it and bring it to the Center (my friend Jennie watched the kids so David could do that). I was taken off the catheter and was up a few times on Friday. They started the Dilaudid about 6pm and took me off the Morphine about 11pm. Saturday, I took a shower at the center and David came and got me. We got home probably about 130pm if I remember correctly (not sure). Again, Jennie watched the kids for him to come get me and we picked them up on the way home. I came home and took my place in bed...my new home! LOL.
For being day two, things aren't too bad. I'm pretty drugged and not in much pain. Things went better then I thought. I have 4 drains sticking out of me. They are tubes that empty into a bulb and we have to empty them every 8 hours and measure thier contents, as well as pull on the plastic tubing (strip them) to prevent any clotting and keep good suction. Since they are on the side of me...one in each hip and one in each upper thigh, David has this task. The boys are handling being around me well, slow, gentle...Christianna, not so much...she's being kept away from me...she's been "too rough".
David is on day shift Mon-Wed. Stephanie will come over about 9am Monday and get the kids and she'll watch the kids Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night the kids will sleep over at Diana's. David will have off Thanksgiving, Friday and the weekend, then his leave will start.
I go to the DR. Wednesday-stay tuned for updates.

Preparing for surgery

I've been "preparing" for surgery for months. This was one of the reasons for stopping the daycare and renting out the house. I had one month to get the house settled before surgery. How do you prepare to be sliced in a circle and sewn back together? David and I have been talking a lot about the possible complications-let's be frank here-death. Most likely David would just toss everything and live in filth! LOL. I needed to get things functionable here, organized and easily accessible. I NEVER do things to satifaction, but I've had to learn to "let go" and relax a LOT on my standards. Much to my amazement, the night before surgery, I was tired!!!! So I went to bed at a decent hour. USUALLY, I would be on "crunch time mode" and stay up all night doing things that needed to be finished!
So that David doesn't have to use leave, we have babysitting set up for the day of surgery and the day after, then the 3 days before Thanksgiving. The kids are so looking forward to that. Who wouldn't want hours with friends, for 5 days?! LOL Then David will take the first two weeks of Dec. off.
I'm not "satisfied", but I'm "okay" with what I've gotten done. I have organized give away/garage sale stuff, business stuff, office stuff, storage stuff, scrapbooking stuff and school/art stuff. They aren't set up really, but they are sorted and in "areas". The basement playroom and guest room are completely set up and currently to my satisfaction and the entire upstairs is set up and cleaned to satisfaction. Those were the important areas. OH YA, and David had most of the garage sorted and organized! We got bracket shelving and utility shelving for it...nice!!!!! Still can't really walk thru the garage, but that's only because bikes and scooters and wagons are strewn all over...not due to clutter or mess. It's so nice to have everything simplified and organized! Still have a long way to go...I DREAD the scrap area!!!! But, I'll get there!
Wow...my mom would be so proud of me right this second...she's always asking me..."are you content yet?" I think I may have a feeling of some contentment at the moment. A sense of mental peace?! Wierd! Does this mean I'm gonna die on the table, now that I have a sense of contentment? LMAO. Just kidding. Would be ironic though wouldn't it? Now you're content-time to die!
Keep us in your prayers and thoughts. Here we go...stay tuned for updates-

Homocidal Rampage

When we first started marriage counseling, we filled out a "FOCUS" questionaire. It is a 91 mutliple choice question survey that each partner seperately fills out about how they feel about specific things in the relationship. For instance, "You and your spouse have the same thoughts on sex. strongly agree, agree, sometimes, disagree, strongly disagree", etc. Then it was sent off to be analyzed and we proceeded to go over it the last few months. The FOCUS pulled out our strengths and weaknesses in our relationship and we've been working on those things in counseling and at home, etc. Our marriage counselor asked us to get a babysitter for our next session, so we can fill out a "FOCUS for the future" thingy. This questionaire is more like... "knowing what you do about this issue, how will you try to connect with your spouse and make things better?" This was not the multiple choice that the other FOCUS was, this required introspection, thought and explanation about what your plans are to help the relationship. I am a very open person and have no trouble most times saying how I feel, what my plans are and how I plan to achieve my goals. David, however, is not. This was very dissapointing. Half the thing he didn't fill out. The other half was generic crap, in my opinion. No thoughts, no feelings, no emotions. This has been the problem in our marriage, but he's been supposedly working on this for the last few months. It was just like this was an eye opener that he really wasn't trying. It's also stuff that's been surfacing again the last few days. Then he proceeds to tell me he felt bombarded and didn't understand why I would feel sad over his answers. He tells me he feels like a zombie and has no feelings, thoughts or opinions about anything. That's suppose to make me feel loving and happy?
So we ended up having a long session, ran to pick up kids from the babysitter, and David hurried to get ready for work. I was sad and upset. While David is getting ready for work, he proceeds to tell me that he went to the orderly room yesterday to find out what he needs to test for his next rank in February and make sure he has everything in order to do so (which I told him to do in January!!!!) and found out that he can't!!!!!!!! He can NOT test til Feb. 2010!!! Now I'm livid. When he got demoted and his stripe taken, last December, I told him he'd have to be in a certain amount of time, he assured me that he checked into it and all was well, he'd just miss one testing cycle, blah blah blah. HE LIED!!!!!!!! I went off! Homocidal rampage. I really feel like I want to kill him at this point! More time in this financial ditch we're in! Does he care? NO! Does he have any thoughts, or opionions about it? NO! I wanted to kill him. I hate him for putting our family in this situation! I hate him for not caring! I hate him for just "being". How can you "just be"? How can you not think about what's next? Recourse to your actions? How can you have no feelings or thoughts for your wife and children? I asked him, if I died in the surgery, or me and the children left him, if he'd care and he said that sometimes he didn't think so. WHAT? At least it was honest.
So I'm livid, screaming my head off at him over the phone (cause he had to go to work!), cleaning like mad, and I needed to calm down. I couldn't find my Xanax, so I took my son's Ativan. I guess there aren't exactly the same, or equal in miligrams (I only took 2.5 mg), etc...cause I got very tired and took a nap with the kids and didn't wake up. Stephanie called at 330pm and Ben answered, saying I was sleeping (not unusual, I often take naps with the kids). So then I was suppose to be at church at 6pm and when Steph called back at 630pm, I was still sleeping...so she freaked out and told Ben to wake me up. I called her back, she called Jennie to check on me, I was very groggy, yada yada. Hey, at least I stopped my homcidal rampage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have come to the conclusion that David's not going to change for any length of time, let alone permanently. I need to just deal with it and adapt. I have 4 kids. That's it. I either have to come to grips with it, or be in eternal and perpetual misery!

Friends

I have been burned bad, over the years by "friends". While I am a very open person and most people know everything about me, I am still not trusting. I expect the bad. My mom has had her friends over while I've been visiting and they are laughing and having a great time. She'll look over at me and say, "see this is why you need friends." Friends schmends...so they can tell people your personal business, talk bad about you, stab you in the back? No thanks.
I try to be a good person, not be judgemental and opinionated. I try to help anyone and everyone in anyway I possibly can, even if I've been burned by that person, I still help if I can. I have let my family suffer to help friends, I have bent over backwards to help people in general, you don't even have to be a friend, if I can, I will help. For what? Usually I lose the friend, or they drop me when I'm no longer needed, they talk bad behind my back...I've given up. I still help people and try to be a good friend (it's ingrained in me and the way I was raised!!!), but my expectations for reciprication are very low. I'm an odd duck (if you're reading this, it means your on my friends list and most likely know this about me already)...I expect disagreement and judgement and bad talk about my life. It's just how it's always ended up.
The last few years I have surrounded myself with "different" people. Most my friends are local homeschoolers. I am not a greatly social person, so I don't meet many that are outside our online local homeschooling group and I'm not good with the phone and visiting and all that. So this has been nice, you chat online and meet for playdates, occasional field trip...nothing to serious, not too much "face to face", no worries about phone communication, etc. Since I've had the gastric bypass and then immediately following-the two younger children, I've felt like I was drowning in life. I've been "getting by". I do the once a month meet with friends "socially", but other then that, it's a weekly or every other week playgroup meeting. I haven't gotten too close to many people.
This small group of local homeschoolers has really become good friends! I have been proven wrong. Okay so everyone still has thier opinons, but they tell them to you and share them with you and straight up about who they are. Everyone talks about everyone, but that's just life! LOL. This group I have fallen in love with has really been such a blessing!!!! They are seemingly understanding, loving, accepting. Some of them I don't see often, but they are there in spirit and kindness and words of encouragement and love.
My friend Stephanie has put together a care taking schedule for the kids and help round the house, and meals for while I am in surgery and recovering! Much to my suprise!!!! Stephanie said, "there are lots of people that love you Jenn and want to help." WHY? This surgery I am having is elective, I thought if anything, I'd be judged and "dropped" like a bad habit. No, instead, people are helping me!!! They are offering and insisting on taking care of kids and to come over and help me. Here I am in my most cynical, skeptical, reclusive, and depressed stage of life and people are rallying around to help me???? I can't offer to babysit or cook in return (although I can clean and organize pretty well)...what can I do to repay them?
My friends: Stephanie, (Ashley when she was here!!!), Jennie, Lea, Rachel, and Diana have had and will have the kids more then I've ever LET anyone. They've really made it feel safe to allow them to help me and not feel like a failure! Stephanie, Lea and Jennie have made me feel safe to "let go" a bit. I'm sure there's the whole gossiping thing, but I don't care! They don't make me feel like an alien. Stephanie and Lea have more kids then me and they are okay! They've survived this stage of life. I can only hope that it was with the help of great friends like I have had to get me through. I can only hope that they were shown the comradre, positivity and acceptance that they've passed on to me. I have been truly blessed. Thank you God for sending such wonderful people into my life at a most critical time.
Thank you to my dear friends. I appreciate you!!! Thank you for the love, kindness, encouragement, and physical and emotional help you have given me and my family.

Goodbye October

I can't believe October is gone already. Time is seeming to just fly by. Of course that's the way it is when you have a billion things to do! I have to say, we've really been relaxed about the time crunch though. I think we were just so busy for so long, and we're so tired, that we've decided to just take it slow. We have been working on the basement! I finished the guest room (added lamps, night tables and dresser, and TV with cable hooked up). And we have unpacked, sorted, arranged, etc. a lot of the basement. I decided the table we bought was too big for the upstairs, so we brought up the 90 year old antique table that we inherited from grandma. It's about half the size, but it's still seating for 6. It's killing me though, because it's sooooo old and formal, that I freak out over every spill! I don't think it's every been used as a daily table by a young family at that! I need to just get a table cloth (add that to my to do list!). We put the big table in the basement for our school/art table. It looks great. I also started organizing school supplies, curriculum, etc.
The weather has been crazy! We got a frost for a couple days this week, the is was 77 degrees for Halloween and all this weekend! I swear the kids are gonna sick! I do love this time of year tho! I updated my profile to reflect that! I like all seasons, but summer and fall are my favorites. I love dressing in layers to stay warm, the crisp air, the bright colors of the leaves, the crunch of leaves under our feet. It's so beautiful and soooooooooooo much to do!
Wednesday, October 29, David had a vasectomy!!!!! No more babies for us! He worked til 730am that day and then napped. We arrived ad checking in about 1120/1125am, he was called back a little after noon and we were home with prescriptions by 1pm. He slept the rest of the day, til 830pm, then back to sleep for the night at 130am. He has taken about 2 pain pills each day, but his recovery has been great. He sat up and did homework at the table all day Thursday afternoon and then Friday he helped me with the basement! Then insisted on coming with us for trick or treating! I can't believe how "easy" it is for guys to have done and recover from!
So of course the end of October is Halloween. Ben wanted to be a clone trooper, Shanndon couldn't decide and Christianna didn't care. We bought Ben a clone trooper outfit at 4pm on Halloween day (20% off!!!!), and Shanndon and Christianna chose from out vast amount of dress up clothes! It was a simple day, as our last couple weeks have been. David and I worked all day on the basement-unpacking, sorting, organizing, and moving furniture. Shanndon and Christianna napped and DAvid took Ben to the store for his costume. When the kids woke up they "decided" which costume they were gonna wear. We attempted to get pictures, but they didn't cooperate very well. So the only pics I have is what you see in our "Halloween 2008" photo album. I had "grand plans" (mall, base, then college hill), but we ended up deciding to stick with the theme of the day and be simple...just walk around base. Then we went to dinner at Village Inn. We came home and had a couple pieces of candy and played, then baths and bed. Very simple and low key!!!
What a nice ending to October-relaxed, accomplished, and content. Hello November!

Guest Room

Sunday night, David and I finally got around to working in the basement a bit. We made the front of the basement, a guest room. There is beige carpet with padding in there that we had to measure, cut, lay and then ct around the sump pump and drain. We put the full size and queen size bed in there. Chris and Bonnie (David's brother) can have the full size bed and then their 3 kids can share the queen. Also, there's two ends tables and lamps, a dresser and TV with basic cable hooked up and radio, I need to find one of my extra clocks and hook put that in there. We also kinda started on the "office" part of the basement. It's going to be a long process, but I'm hoping to work pretty hard on it this weekend. I'm so happy with the little progress we've made! Yet again, I'll have to take and upload pics sometime! LOL Hopefully our guests will feel comfortable and like they have thier own private space that they like and it doesn't feel "basement-y".

Fatigue

Why is it, when you have the shortest amount of time to do something with the most amount of "stuff" to do, life comes crashing down around you? Friday and Saturday I have literally barely been able to hold my head up! I am SOOOOOOOOOO tired! This is WITH taking all my viatmins and iron!!!! Shouldn't I be feeling better? Have more energy? I can't afford this lethargia!!!! Saturday we had a Fall Festival at church and then we went our friend Jennie's birthday party on our way home. I could only stay 45 minutes, I was soooooooooo tired!!!! This was after resting all day Friday and half of Saturday!!!!
I have really got to push thru my tiredness and get to work. So, here we go...off to work...HUT HUT HIKE!!!!

Birthday Parties

Okay, I'm sure this sounds crazy, but, we had a "triple birthday party" for the kids this week at Chuck E. Cheese. Shanndon turned 3 back in February, Christianna turned 2 in July and Ben turned 9 in October. Shanndon's birthday, we had a "family" thing and went to dinner with just us and the kids and our exchange students. Christianna was COMPLETELY ignored...we had jsut gotten home from Chicago and started moving on base and was trying to get the daycare up and running. She literally got a kiss and a "happy birthday baby girl" and that was it. Ben of course is 9 and KNOWS he gets a party!!! So we decided to have them all together! We had it at Chuck E. Cheese. It was informal. Each kid (25 friends) got 10 game tokens, we had snacks and drinks and cake. That's it. Simple, fun, memorable. The kids had a blast!!!! I was pretty suprised to hear a lot of the adults and kids had either never been to Chuck E. Cheese, or it had been years and years since they'd gone, so it seemed to be a hit for all...relaxing, fun, "new". Christianna picked out an Elmo "cupcake" cake. Shanndon picked out a chocolate cake with orange, blue and green squiggles, and Ben picked out a chocolate cake with Green mostly and blue and green flowers. They had such fun. Christianna and Rae literally just ran rampant. Ben and Shanndon had a blast with friends. They got wonderful presents! Baby dolls, playdoh, stuffed puppies, money, candy, legos, magic tricks, giant pencils, bionicles, star wars figures, a giant batmobile, beautiful handmade cards, and so much more! I gave them our presents when we got home. Gross out doodle Monster, Kinex sets, Littlest Pet Shop, and "Fairy" Barbies. I am so glad we did this. It was a Thursday, totally uncrowded! One friend Lauryn, is completely terrified of anything costume, so they bribed her with a billion tokens to get her from under a table and to quit crying (so we all got more then our money's worth), then they gave away tons and tons of free tickets too!!!!! I was really feeling guilty for neglecting Christianna this year! Now, to get around to uploading the pics!!!! LOL

Can't go on

Monday was the last day of our Marriage for Keeps class. Bittersweet. It frees up our Mondays and no scrambling for babysitters, but it was a great time for David and I to spend together and great learning experience. It was also a weekly reminder of how to treat each other and we had to be accountable, as each week we reported what we did to "decide or slide, do our part, or make it safe to connect".
The plastic surgeon called with my lab results. They postponed my surgery to Nov. 20 to give my body time to respond to all the supplements I'm on. I'm not fit for surgery at this time. My iron was a "critical" 7.9 and he won't touch me til it's at least an 8. My liver panel was also high. I am now on iron 3 times a day, as well as 6 chewable vitamins and trying to eat as much protein as I can. It's disappointing, but relieving. It gives me more time to "settle in" here. The garage and basement are nearly impassable at this point and the house needs to be put in order and ready for David and the children to function without me for a while.
I also had a follow up with my neurologist/sleep Dr. this week. That wasn't pleasant either. My sleep study showed that my apnea is worsening. He upped my bipap pressures slightly. They were 12/8 and now 14/10. Also, the apnea is changing. Right now there is a medical reason I stop breathing. It's obstructive sleep apnea. But it's changing to a different kind, I forget the name...but where my body just stops breathing for no reason. He can't predict when it's going to change completely. Could be tomorrow, could be 10 years from now. When it happens, I'll need a new machine that breaths for me, not just pushes air in my face! So he'll need to monitor my "sleep card" (a mircochip in my machine), my blood pressure and sleepiness every 8 weeks for the rest of my life! Guess I gotta start using my machine!!!!!!! Did I mention I'm 33 years old??????????????????? NOT 60!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's official. We're landlords! Marc, David, Steph's brother and our other friends' hubby all got together Saturday and moved Stephane and Marc in 3 hours. It was jsut furniture, as Steph has been making a dozen trips a day for the last couple weeks moving stuff in her van. Stephanie's dryer went kaput and we found them a free dryer and so they're all fixed up there too! Saturday night we all hung out by thier firepit and had smores and a couple celebratory drinks to a "completed move".
Today is not a good day. The move is complete, but everything here is in such disarray. It's so overwhelming. I feel like I can barely function, like I can't go on!!!
Also, today would by my mom and dad's 34th wedding anniversary. I can only imagine how my mom is dealing, coping, feeling. I want to be there, hold her, hug her! I am so torn. I wish I could be by my family. I should be there taking care of them! I am so worried about my mom, I have called her house, cell, and Julie and JoEllyn's phones! I just don't nwat her to be alone today! I hate feeling helpless! I am so angry at my dad for leaving us! I am just like him tho! How can I be mad at him? I KNOW what I need to do. I know I need to care for myself better. I don't! I'm headed in the same direction...an early grave. The difference is, my family would completely be able to function without me and honestly I probably wouldn't be missed. They'd really be better off...less controlled, more at ease, no schedule, happy!!!! David is so good and self sufficient, they don't need me. Everyone was completely dependent on my dad! Mom was completely dependent on dad!!!!! That pisses me off!
I'm just so tired and really feeling like I can't go on right now.

We're moved!

So much going on this week. We have completely packed everything in the house. I put together and organized, labeled etc. everything and held my very first garage sale ever! I actually think it was a success. Now it's over and boxed up. It's great, all the boxes are labeled "garage sale" and with what's in them, so they're easy to find and such. Our friends Steph and Marc have pretty much moved us!!!! They are very experienced with moving. Stephanie has come over to help with kids and boxing, etc. She's had her kids transfer all the sand into the sand box and help with the kids. We could NOT have done it without them and thier help. I can not THANK THEM enough. It was a little hard, they were moving in while we were moving out. I kinda thought that we'd have an "out date" and they'd have in "in date". But it wasn't too bad. Since they we're coming over, they brought thier items, painted walls etc. I hadn't really had a great plan to big with, which was a bad thing! Thier "landlord" was trying to sell the house from under them and they felt pressure to "get out". It was just crazy!!! David came home Friday and said he had Monday off for Columbus Day (which we hadn't known before that) and that he thought we could move that weekend, rather then Tuesday, so that pushed everyone up a couple days. So, we moved our 2nd whole house into our basement and garage. Like I said, with the hard work and help of Steph and family. It feel so good to be "DONE"! Now next Saturday we move Steph's family in. David is completely inexperienced with moving, so there are a few items left at the other house that SHOULD have been on the truck...like, the jungle gym! But, such is life. We'll just take items as we go back and forth. Now I'll spend the next couple days over at the Sabin house cleaning and patching nail holes.

3 weeks post surgery-You won't believe my luck!

Well its been 3 weeks since I had my middle body lift. The first week -2 went better then I thought. I felt I was getting around better then anticipated, thought I was in less pain then anticipated. I had 4 drains (tubes sticking out of my body that emptied into a little bulb like thing)-these things are uncomfortable, annoying, they got "caught" on things, painful even. Last week I got my right side tummy drain removed. They want your "drainage" to be between 20-25 or less to remove them. The other drains were still putting out 30-40, so I had 3 still in this week. This week has been the most metal anguish I have been in, the holes for the drains were burning and hurting. I seriously have been very depressed, and down about the whole surgery. I've had lots of people tell me "I'm lucky" to have this surgery, "It will all be worth it", etc. This is not how I was feeling. I've been angry, resentful, mad at myself, etc.

Sunday night David got a call from work (he's on leave!). Apparently one boss is on a "business trip" for 2 weeks and another co-worker is hospitalized with Ecoli and a partially deflated lung, so they needed David to come in and on day shift. We talked about it...I can't drive yet, his boss said there'd be no problem getting off for the DR appts we had this week. The kids sleep in til 9am, so then I'd just have to get them breakfast and change and dress Christianna and lunch. David said he'd do all clean up and everything. Then he'd be home at 315pm. The first day (Monday), was not a good sign-I got Christianna changed and dressed, then went around gathering sippy cups and gathering dirty clothes. When I came to the front of the house, Christianna had taken the lock off the fridge, pulled out about 10 string cheese and scissors and cut up cheese and wrappers all over the couch and floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I about killed her! David got home about 30 minutes later and put her and I too bed and we had a short nap together.

Tuesday-the day before my 3 week surgery appt. I woke up itching really bad!!!! I was broke out in HIVES from head to toe (neck, hair, eyes, ears, palms, on and in my incision, etc.)!!!! I called David and we went to Urgent Care (Base clinic had no appts open). I was given an Epinepheren shot (HOLY CRAP that burned!!!!), and 2 Atarax, then scripts for Atarax and Prednisone. The problem is, Prednisone hinders healing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They didn't want to prescribe it to me without consulting my surgeon. So, I called the surgeon, and while he's not happy about it, he said we'll deal with the consequences and to take them (the hives are as bad or worse today!!!!) They have no idea why i broke out in these hives. It could be any one of numerous reasons, or a combination of reasons! From prolonged narcotic use, to delayed antibiotic reaction, to even a new Latex allergy (the binder I'm wearing has Latex in it). So I'm no longer on the Dilaudid, as the build up of the narcotic could be a cause, so if I stop it, the hives should go away (eventually).

Each day we record the 24 hour "output" of these drains. I was looking at the numbers last night (full of hives, after "whining on the phone to my mom, uncomfortable as all get out and in pain) and I just KNEW the DR was not going to take them out. They were still outputting anywhere from 30-40. I joked to David and my mom that I was going to fudge the numbers. They both advised me not too, I can get thru this, it will all be worth it, yada yada. This morning I woke up and I did it, I wrote up a new paper and I fudged my output numbers to make them "borderline". So, the DR was hestitiant, but he saw the (fudged) numbers and listened to my begging and whining and took out the drains. He said, are you willing to deal with the possible problems and complications? I said yes! He said, fine, I told you...and took them out!

SO i'm feeling a little better, more free, as I don't have tubes sticking out of me...less freakish, as I don't have these drains hanging off me. The holes where the drains were are still sore and the hives are killing me, but hopefully that will all dissapate soon. I am wearing a binder 24/7 and they orded me a "support undergarment" that i'll have to wear for 6 weeks (but couldn't wear with the drains). The Dr. is worried cause I have quite a bit of swelling and now my legs are swollen and the hives.

There was bad weather last night and today the roads are bad, on the way home from the DR., two blocks from our house, David was turning and slid thru a turn, smashed a curb hard head on, and drove on someone's lawn, between a powerpole and wire. It hurt my "incision" very bad (right above my pubic bone). I didn't really pay much attention, thought it would go away...well it didn't, got worse. Motrin 800 wasn't touching it. I don't see anything "messed up" on the outside, it's more inner, like under the incision. I'm hoping and praying it's nothing serious and this pain goes away soon as well.

My next appt is next Wednesday. I am hoping to be able to drive by then, so David can just stay home with the kids while I take myself to the Dr. and then to take the kids that night to the church Christmas party. And I'm hoping I make it to Wednesday with no complications and all is well for that appt! David is dong very well holding down the fort. It's taken a melt down over the condition of the house, but he's got the house in order and is always good with the kids! I thought about making a "to do list", but didn't want to have to do that, but David has asked for a "to do list", so he can see what needs to be done daily in writing. It's just craziness!!!

Sleep Study and Surgical Consultation

I have sleep apnea. I am suppose to use a breathing machine at night, but I don't! I don't do a lot of what I'm suppose to...don't take my vitamins and supplements, don't take care of myself like I should. Etc. Etc. I was hoping that with losing the 200 lbs, that my sleep apnea just went away. I go every 3 months to the Dr. for check ups. He's not happy that I'm not using my machine, so he ordered a follow up sleep study. Well the study I did a month ago came back that I do indeed still have sleep apnea. So he ordered another sleep study to figure out what pressures the breathing machine needs to be set at. I did this study last night. Currently I'm on (well, suppose to be!) a Bipap (which is a machine that pushes air in and pulls it out). My current setting is dramatically less then it was when I was 342 lbs! It used to be 15/12 now it's 12/8. So I do this sleep study...I asked the technician when it first started, what the pressure was set at, she said 8/4 (then the adjust it thru the night as I sleep to figure out what I need it set at), when I woke up at 4am, I asked what the pressures were set at now, she said 17/14. EEEEK!!!!! That's high! The bad part is...it felt good! UGH, I've made myself sicker instead of better! The Dr. thinks this is why my Xyrem (narcolepsy/sleep medicine) and my Mirapex (restless leg medicine) are not working well. I did ask the Dr. at the last appointment, how my legs were. I only had 16 kicks an hour, which is SIGNIFICANTLY decreased (they were over 200 an hour before weight loss and Mirapex) , BUT if I were using my breathing machine, it may be even less. Do you know what a hassle it is to be a young, vibrant 33 year old couple and be on a breathing machine and sleep meds? GRUMBLE. So I go back on Oct. 16 for the "results" appointment. GRRR...back to the breathing machine!!!
Today I had final consultation with the plastic surgeon. Signed all the papers, went over the procedure and stuff I need to do pre and post surgery. I really like this Dr. He is so hot! He's hilarious, straight forward, sometimes brutely blunt, honest, did I mention hot?! LOL. The Dr. ordered tons of labs cause he said I look anemic. He put me on Iron 3 times a day and vitamins and some other supplements. We have one month to get my body healthy (Nov. 4!!!!). If my Iron is not at least an 8, he will not do surgery!!! GRRRR. Oh, and I have to quit smoking! The kicker, he wants me on protein shakes and to gain a little weight before surgery. WHAT????????? I don't think so!!!! I am 134 lbs right this second, you want me to gain more before I have a body lift??????? Do you think I'm crazy? Cause I think YOU are crazy if you think I'm going to agree to put on weight. Jimeny Crickets! Whatever.
David said, "so you actually gonna take your stuff?" I am totally committed to getting healthy for this surgery. I will take my meds and supplements and all that, so I can do this! I will wake up and take my Iron and Effexor! I will take Iron with my Mirapex at 5pm and I will take my Iron at bedtime(1am) with my last Mirapex and Xyrem! I will take my vitamins and other supplements thru the day. This I swear. That is how bad I want my body lift!!!!
Today my friend Stephanie took Ben for a field trip to cowtown with 25 other school age home schoolers and thier parents and siblings. It's so nice to have friends that help out. It's nice for Ben to get away from the "babies" and do stuff with big kids. He doesn't really care much for cowtown really, but at least he got out and was able to spend time with friends. He's lucky he's a good kid. I wouldn't dare ask my friends to watch or take or what have you, the other two...they are crazy! I try not to put my friends thru that unless absolutly neccessary!

Happy Birthday Benjamin

Saturday, October 2, 1999 This was my 3rd day in the hospital, I was low on amniotc fluid. I was 2 weeks over due. I had been given stuff on my cervix to try to make my body go into labor and it wasn't working. They started me on pitocin and the baby showed signs of distress, so they stopped the pitocin, then there was no progress so they gave me more pitocin, but a lower amount. 2pm something "popped" inside me and caused a lot of pain, then a couple minutes later, it happened again, so I had David get a nurse. She asked if my water broke, I didn't think it had but what do I know? My legs were crossed at the time, so she lifted the blanket and opened my legs and-GUSH-fluid went all over the nurse. My water broke! So she called the Dr. The Dr. was not convinced that my water broke, but the now drenched nurse said, uh, YEAH it had, look at me! The baby's heart rate was not registering well on the monitors, so they screwed a monitor in his head (inside me!). I labored the rest of the day. 9pm they came in and gave me an epidural. 9:30 David went home (3 blks. away) to feed the cats, shower and do some stuff. The Dr. came in to check on me, I was dialated to a 4. They were worried. The babies heart rate was often decelerating to 60, so we called David to get him back, they were rushing me in for a CSection. I called my mom and she prayed for us. David arrived. On the way to the operating room, the baby flatlined, they worked rigorously to "get him back". They finally got a heartbeat and then proceeded with the CSection.
10:50pm, Benjamin Adonis Koopmans entered this world!!! 21 1/2 inches long, 7 lbs. 4 oz. and a full head of black hair. He looked like a little man! Tiny little body with this wise wrinkly old face. He looked "just like his daddy", everyone commented. He was taken to NICU. He was having trouble regulating his body temperature, but other then that, he was fine. I finally got him brought to me about 9am on Sunday (the next day). Daddy and Ben watched the Dallas Cowboys football game and fell asleep in my hospital bed.
Today my Ben is 9 years old! Benjamin is my maternal grandfather's name and Adonis is David's maternal grandfather's name. What can I say about Benjamin today? He is so smart, well behaved, sweet, thoughtful, innocent, loving, helpful and generous. He gives his mom hugs and kisses all the time. He adores any animal, or creature that dwells on this earth. His future plans right now are to live in Pheonix Arizona and work for the Phoenix ASPCA. He loves Bionicles, Pokemon, video games, and his friends!
Happy 9th Birthday Benjamin!!!! I love you sooooooo much!!!!!!

I'm a brat

Alright, I know this, I'm a brat. And to put it more to truth, more like a b*tch. This has been a "set back" weekend for David and I. Partially, not to make excuses, it's just a fact, because I'm eratic at best on my meds (Effexor). I nit pick at David, I'm a perfectionist, I've turned into a negative person! David is such a wonderful dad, and husband. Why can't I be grateful for that? No, instead, I gotta b*tch about everything that's wrong! I am deciding today that I need to be more relaxed (I'm gonna have to be after surgery!!!!!) and start trying to appreciate my hubby and kids more and express to them my love and appreciation for them!!!!! How about, Thank you for unloading the car, doing the laundry and dishes and changing that diaper...Instead of...you piled everything wrong, missed this dish, and left the diaper on the floor? I need to make myself wake up everyday and be intentional about chilling out and showing my appreciation and love!!!!! This is a vow...I expect all my friends to hold me accountable and keep me on track...gotta it guys??? LOL. Thanks for listening!!!!

Kansas Aviation Museum

Saturday, September 27th, 2008. We were up early and still late as usual. 9AM we had a field trip with our church groups-Royal Rangers and Missionettes at the Kansas Aviation Musuem. It was "free museum day" and this is the museum we chose as a a group to go to. I'm glad, cause I would not pay $7 to enter this thing...it's just not my thing! But, the kids had a great time. The children were well behaved. The staff was very nice. The men were in awe of all the old stuff, statistics, etc. I got to see how life may be in a few years. Ben behind the wheel of a car (only 7 years from that being a possible reality!), Shanndon and Christianna in a car with friends (luckily a bit father away!). All the children got to get in the pilot's seat of various planes. Could this be a reality? My children flying people around? Eeeek, scary! But, the best part of all was hanging out with friends. The little ones got to climb and run, Ben and David got ot read and learn a lot! We were all very tired afterwards, so we took naps and relaxed the rest of the day away! It was a nice day!

Monkeys!

This is hilarious, but you must view the pictures to experience what I'm wriitng about! So, let me preface this by saying, I'm behind in blogging. I am writing this on Oct. 4, but it happened on Sept 25th (therefore back dating the blog). Also, if you've seen my profile, read blogs, know me, etc...you'll often hear me refer to my younger children as monkeys, or my life in a zoo, that type of thing...THIS IS WHY!!!!!
Okay, so Shanndon has always been a climber. We fight with him minutely about climbing and jumping on furniture, cabinets, cars, doors, EVERYTHING! By default, I suppose, Christianna is following in his footsteps! She has no fear, she wants to do EVERYTHING the boys do! So, it stands to reason that if Shanndon wants to climb a tree (that he can get up in himself), that Christianna would want to climb it (even though she needs to be lifted). Well, Daddy lifted her and sure enough, through and through she's a monkey. Maybe more so then Shanndon! She climbed higher then Shanndon!!!! She often scared daddy and I by stepping on branches that we didn't think would hold her! Go see pics. My baby, is a full grown MONKEY!!!

Settling Down

Settling Down Current mood: optimistic Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Ever since we decided to give up the daycare, rent the house, and move forward with the body lift, I have had such a peace come over me. It is a sad thought that I am "giving up my dream" (temporarily), but I really think that it's for the best right now. The prospect of settling down has been just such a relief. Really I don't even want to finish out the month we have left in the house. I want it to be done and over with! I don't even want to be at the house anymore!
We gave away Sassy (white cat) and Butterscotch (beige dog) last weekend. They are doing very well in thier new homes! They are very loved as well. Sassy was pooping and peeing everywhere. It happened when Ashley had her, it happened at the Sabin house, and it happened here. I couldn't handle it anymore! Butterscotch needed owners that could spend more time with him. He was destroying the backyard and the fencing. Since he's been gone, we've been able to take Sky everywhere with us. We don't have to worry about the door not shutting fast enough. Butterscotch dashed out the door at every oppurtunity, jumped on people, chewed up toys cause he was mad, etc. Sky is sad, as he misses his friend that he's been with his whole 9 months of life, but he's perked up recently. He's enjoying being able to be with us more. Sky doesn't run off, stays in the yard and doesn't destroy the yard and toys, and doesn't jump.
Yesterday we had a busy day...Friday night we had an all night "lock in" at church, everyone was cranky and tired this morning as no one slept, or hardly slept. Then we came home and took naps and went to a marriage enrichiment activity. Through "Marriage for Keeps", they had a choclate and strawberries, couples massage event, with free child care!!!! We got hands on instruction from the top massage therapist in Wichita on doing massage! David never gets massage from me, cause I think it's hard, and not sure I do it right (and really I'm not much of a touchy lovey person, so it's not natural for me to do)...but, Sveda made it seem easy and it was nice and made me want to give massage more often! David was already wonderful at giving massage!!! He didn't need any instruction, but she did show him how to work on pressure points for carpel tunnel (which I have!) and facial massage...that was nice! After that event, we went to a birthday party. Then we went back to the Sabin house. I briefly straightened up and we left. We were all so tired and I just didn't want to be there!!!!!!! I told David I did not want to come back on Sunday (like we normally do).
Sunday (today), we are not leaving the base house! I know this sounds crazy, but cleaning and organizing really is calming and relaxing to me. Today I am going to work on the basement...sorting and organizing clothes. I am going to have a huge garage sale in mid-October and hopefully I will have gone thru toys and clothes to sell and give away. Living in the simplified, clean, organized house has been so nice!!!!
Speaking of Sunday...I'm not going to attend Douglas Ave. Church on Sunday's anymore. I will continue to teach Missionettes and Ben will continue to to attend Royal Rangers for the time being, but I'm done with that church. Two weeks ago, I was fustrated with my girls never bringing thier materials to class, not doing any work, etc. They have such potential and they don't want to put any effort into it. They don't even want to memorize the simplest of verses. Well, I told them if they didn't WANT to be there, don't come and waste thier time or mine. I would rather them stay home then give me attitude, grief and distract the ones that do want to be there, earn and learn. Now, this is something I've heard Dan and Rachel (other leaders) also tell thier students. Well one of the mom's (who for whatever reason hates me-I don't know what I did!!!!) got ticked off and went off on Rachel (my boss) in the parking lot, in public about me. She went on to say that I shouldn't be allowed to work with kids or be alone with kids!!!! How can I stay in a church that I know has problems with me, but won't tell me what they are, even though I've gone to people to ask them? How can I stay in a church where I know my reputation is tarnished, for reasons unknown to me? I can't! I can't stand the stares, whispers, etc. I don't know what's being said, I can only imagine and it kills me. So, I'm done. I love working with the Missionettes though. I think they are learning. I think they are paying attention. We're accomplishing things, etc. Ben adores Dan and his Royal Ranger group, I would really hate to pull him away from them.
Well, the next month is still lots more changes, clearing out the Sabin house, and completely moving over to base, Dr. appts., babysitting Rae, getting prepared for surgery, etc. I look forward to having some time to be settled and relaxed. Hopefully, the kids will adjust well and things will be better for them.

Total 180!

In July we moved to base housing. The goal was to get a daycare up and running at our Sabin house. David and I were having a lot of trouble and I really just wanted to be seperated from the family. I had a timeline of September 1st and even then it was stretching it! Well, we took our a CD we had to get us thru August and September. We now have borrowed more money from David's dad to get us through September and October!!!! I am not getting "hits" on my advertising. No interest. I have one client right now! David's dad was in town last week and I got to schedule my body lift, he's loaning us the money for it. It's November 4th, 2008. The next thing was figuring out how I was going to run a daycare 2 weeks after a body lift. What if I wasn't back by then? Well, I felt I had no choice, and I just would be well by then!
Sunday night I got a message from a friend of mine. She said that her current landlord had just called her and told her that she had 3 months to sell the house that they were renting from her. She went on to joke about me giving up my daycare and renting my house to them, but she wouldn't ask that, cause it was my dream. So here I am reading this message...stressed over money and clients, business, completely exhausted and I get this message that bascially offers to take half my worry off me?! I immediately called her up to find out what was going on. This was no joke, this family with 5 kids and animals has 3 months to find a new place to live. So David and I talked about it...
Here we are in the position to help a friend by giving them a place to live with no excessive costs, like background and credit checks, deposits and absorbant rent...and here they are in the position to live in my house and pay the mortgage and utilities, and take care of the house and yard, etc. It's a win win situation!!!!
The final decision: we will spend the next couple weeks moving everything that we still have at the Sabin house, over to the base house and empty the Sabin house. As of October 15th, my friend and her family can move in and start painting, cleaning, decorating, etc. They will pay rent and all utilities, which leaves us just our DEBT, intead of living expenses and debt! I can go into my surgery on November 4th, not worried about losing our house. I can recover at my own pace and only have my own children to care for. Then when I recover, or possibly after I'm done with my multiple surgeries...I can try running a daycare again, at the base house. We have 5 &1/2 years til we retire, so if they want it that long, they can have it, otherwise we'll fnd other renters when they decide to leave. I feel so relieved! I was on the verge of "passin out"! Now I have even more work to do, BUT, I can have several weeks off after surgery!!!!

September 12, 2008

It's Friday!!!!
Boeing went on strike and mom of the girl I care for is on 3 day work week. She was going to bring her today just so she can get some cleaning done (and she pays for my time anyway, so why not?!), but, the streets between her house and mine are impassable in her little car! It's been raining for days! The water is up to my porch and it's due to rain thru Sunday yet! Then, once "IKE" hits and makes it's way up here, they are predicting another 5-10 inches of rain being dropped on us. They are predicting mass flooding! Crazy! This has been the coldest summer I've ever been exposed too. I can't imagine what winter will be like! Will it be unseasonably warm, or cold? If it was this "cold" for summer? EEEEK.
This week has been nice. David's dad drove up from Texas and arrived Tuesday about 630pm. Wednesday was David's birthday (that's why dad is here). I mentioned my dream for a bordered sand filled "playground" in my back yard and he said he'd do it. He bought all the supplies and did all the work (IN THE RAIN!). Today (Friday) David had off, so he's helping today. There is 25 TONS of sand in my driveway at the moment (I'll upload pictures later). Wednesday, Ben went on a field trip and monitored the "health" of our local bodies of water. He came home with a magnifying glass and has been using it for everything. In digging up the yard, they've found tons of grubs and worms. Thursday, Ben's friends Mitch and Mikey came over to play and helped papa and the boys work on the playground. For all thier hard work, dad went out and bought them Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream for a treat.
Last night the little kids played in the rain with chalk. It was so cool! They learned they could make "paint"(wet chalk)! They got all chalky and then rinsed off in puddles. It was so cute. Shanndon mixed colors and "discovered" that pink and blue makes purple and that blue and yellow makes green. He was so proud of himself! Christi and Rae learned they can color on scooters and hands and my chair arms, etc. LOL. While we were outside playing in the rain, Papa and Ben were watching "How it's made" and they learned how sandpaper and sanding grits, hotdogs, potato chips and thier containers, and wooden bowls are made.
Also about Thursday-September 11, 2008...my brother James and his wife, Carol had thier third baby! It's a girl!!!! Emily Marie Rupp was born about 330pm (Carol was induced a week early due to gestational diabetes). Emily Marie weighed 9lbs 2 oz and is 20 1/2 inches long! That is 17 grandchild for Francis and Nedra Rupp!!!
Tonight Ben is going to his friend Jonathon's to sleep over. He misses Jonathon, since we're over here every afternoon, he rarely gets to see him anymore. He's very excited! He says he'll let Jonathon pick the first game they play on Wii and he will play whatever Jonathon wants to play!!! Dad offered to treat us to dinner tonight too! WOOHOO!

Sept. 8-3 weeks since last blog

It's been 3 weeks since my last blog, so I thought it was time for an update.
Daycare: Still only have one little girl full time at the moment. It's nice on one hand, since I can take her with me when I go places and things are more flexible, BUT it's really coming crunch time, and I'm feeling the money pinch. I've invested a lot of time and money into getting things going and it's not going. I had my inspection on September 2. I need to just get 50 TONS of sand put under my swing sets and jungle gym, I am hoping to be able to do that with the October 1st paycheck, we'll see. Once I receive my license in the mail (should be anyday they said!), I can call that day and sign up with Child Start for referrals and get on the food program. Today (Monday) I have an interview with another client. She will come over and meet me, we'll go over policies and then she'll go home and discuss it. If she likes me, she'll call me and I'll get her the paperwork to fill out and she'll give me a $20 enrollment fee. Then on the day she starts-I get full payment for that week. I cut out the week deposit and did the enrollment fee, because I was writing contracts and printing papers and getting promises of next day starting, then no show. So, I won't "invest" my time and energy until they pay the $20 enrollment fee! I feel so cruel, but it's got to be, I guess. I am over obsessed with arrangment of the daycare...I rearrange furniture at least every other day!!!! It's driving me bonkers!
Family: Things are going well. I've been spending a couple days a week at the Sabin house alone. It's nice!!!! At midnight, all the kids are gone and I sit and watch a soap opera or two and go to bed. I don't worry about cleaning until the next morning, knowing it's not going to get "piled on" at breakfast time, I can take my time. I do need to work on the basements at both houses and have seriously been procrastinating!!!!! The kids are getting into thier routine and beginning to grasp what's going on. They are adjusting well. This Monday we had no "Marriage for Keeps" class because of Labor day, and Rae's mom had off, so we weren't at the Sabin house. The kids were sad that Nikki and Becca didn't come to babysit. This past Friday night, I had Rae overnight and David worked really late, so I had all the kids overnight til Saturday at 2pm. We got a pull out couch from someone on freecycle, so the boys slept there, Christianna slept with me in bed and Rae in the pack n play. They all slept really well. Woke up at 930am and ate and played great! It was nice. We're doing more activities and music and such then "before the daycare", because now for that time I'm dedicated to them, not them and life and living space and animals, etc. The kids are singing on thier own, they love to sit and read and be read too. They are becoming imaginative and playful, more. It's neat. They adore Rae too. Ben is in a bit of a routine with schoolwork. He does his work from 3-5pm (depending on on fast and correctly he works). This is "naptime", so he and I get one on one time together. We haven't started the Abeka 3rd grade curriculum yet, we're finishing up "leftover" stuff and working on magazines (reading and wordsearches, crosswords, etc.) We get Ranger Rick, Big Backyard, Spider and Children's Digest. He loves the animals ones!
Marriage: Things are going well. David and I are learning lots of communication tools and techniques in class. The class before Labor Day was about "expectations" and we had 10 pages of questions to fill out and discuss. I filled out mine, David's working on his. Then we'll come together and discuss each thing, one at a time...talk about each other's expectations in that area and if they're reasonable, if we can come to a compromise, etc. It's big stuff and little stuff...like where do you squeeze the toothpaste tube and what does it mean to be faithful, etc. We did choose to discuss one HUGE issue over Labor Day weekend. We used the Speaker Listener technique and it went very well, in my opinion. We discussed things calmly and paraphrased and we each felt heard and validated and we discussed solutions, etc. I personally feel very very relieved and like I can move forward in life. It will take time to heal and I will just have to believe that in time he can forgive, and trust again and I'll just have to work really hard on reassuring him and doing trusted behavior. I don't think we've fought but once or twice since starting this class. This past Saturday was a tiff, but that was from total lack of miscommunication and very minor (and most likely PMS that I even let it get to me!)
Extended Family: My youngest sister, JoEllyn had a baby boy on Aug. 15th. He was 3+ weeks early (induced and then csection). He weighted 4 lbs and 10 ozs and 18 inches long. His name is Hunter William Sammons. He had a bunch of problems, and was in the hospital for a while, but is now home with the family.
My other sister Julie, is home from Mexico. She came in August 27. She had a wonderful time there and fell in love with her inlaws! She didn't want to come back. She left her 2 older children in Mexico with thier dad. They are hoping he'll be home at the end of September, but won't know for sure til his appointment on Sept 24th. Annabelle (and maybe Mena too?) started school in Mexico. Julie is very sad and heartbroken right now, being away from her children, but she knows she needs to work and keep insurance on the kids. Lucas (her baby boy) is in Chicago with her. Last I heard, she was going to be living with her best friend Susie, but mom was close to convincing her to stay with her, so I dunno what's happened with that. It's been a while since I talked to them, life is crazy on both ends of the phone! LOL.
David's dad is coming to visit us this week! He'll arrive Wednesday (which is David's birthday!!!!!) and stay til Saturday. He'll get to see our new house and the daycare house and spend time with the family. It'll be nice. He was in southern Texas in August helping with hurricane relief and he's been working hard on his own work and then his house when not "working", so this is the first chance he's had to come up in a while.
Houses: The Sabin hose is coming along nicely. I'm no where near ready to paint, but maybe I never will be. Maybe I'll just leave it the way it is and poster it with kid stuff instead of painting! I just feel like I'll never have adequate time to do that! The yard is ship shape (except I now need 50 TONS of sand!). I got furniture for free from someone moving to England, so there's plenty of living room seating. Basement is still a thorn in my side. I ordered a dehumidifier for down there, so hopefully that will make it better. We'll see!
The base house is great. I've come to a routine as far as both houses go. I spend half and half at each place. First "cleaning project" I hit when I come in to the base house is both bathrooms (that's not a place David pays attention too and with 2 potty training children, it's a big issue for me). Then the kitchen (cabinets and floor), then vacuuming. From there, who knows...mainly play with the kids and watch TV! LOL Again, the basement is a thorn in my side. Need to get down there, sort, organize, empty boxes. But then again, that's the beauty of having everything in the basement, right???????? Can't see it!!!!
Both houses are now very simple, decluttered living!!!!! It's all in the basement!
The End: I guess that's life in a nutshell here. It's crazy. I read my Yahoo! horoscope yesterday and was amused, thought I'd share..."You can't spend your life going from one adventure to another. Slow down and relax." So yesterday I did, I played with the kids and watched TV. It was very nice!!!! Today, it's back to the grindstone! Gonna get some work done, turn in some papers to the AirForce Childcare Office and pay a bill, then have that interview this afternoon and relax and play with the kids til class time this evening! Sorry so long, it's been a while and a lot has been going on.

STOOD UP!

Okay, so I have been stood up by 2 clients in a week!!!!
The first one I understand. We were in contact, she was interested in me being her childcare provider, I delivered her the contracts and forms on Monday night, if she agreed, she'd see me on Tuesday afternoon. Well...no show. I can understand that, cause she hadn't seen my contract and there's a religious clause in it. I don't know for sure that was the reason, I can certainly understand if it was the reason.
The second gal is an Air Force spouse. She is subsidized by the AF (which means the AF pays part of her child care. Well she couldn't find anyone who could take an infant (14 months old) who was affilliated with the AF. She heard from a friend, which is a coworker of David's, that I was opening a day care. They called David and I got in touch with her. I went over the contract with her, she assured me she was coming with me and even called Tuesday night to confirm and sad she forgot to go to the bank and could she bring the money when she picked up the child. I agreed. I was up at 7am, she was suppose to be there at 7:15... NO SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!! Guess she decided not to start her new job or find someone else! No one with any experience or licensing or training is going to take an infant at the last minute for what she was paying. So I am assuming she just didn't go to work. But maybe she got a friend to watch the child? She still could have called!!!!!!!!!!
I observed a licensed child care provider a couple doors down from me and she said I should get a non-refundable deposit when they interview. In fact, most day cares do that! They request an enrollment fee of $20, $50, $100 to cover the cost of paperwork, licensing, time, etc. I request a $100 deposit that they can use for thier last week of care, so they're getting it back, but if they stiff me and don't show for a week, I'm covered! GRRRR. I'm already fustrated ad I haven't even started! Bah hum bug!

The Process

The first step of getting the day care up and running, was attending an orientation for the state regulations. I did that on Aug. 5. On Aug. 6-8 the Air Force offered a 3 day (free) training on Air Force regulations, CPR and First Aid, Food Handling, Signs and Symptoms, and Medication Administration and much more. The state requires 15 hours of training int he first year and 5 years every year after that. So, I have surpassed the state requirements for training.
The 2nd step was to get my home occupation license. On Aug. 6th, on the way home from training, I stopped into City Hall to turn in my paperwork for the license. I was approved in a matter of minutes, went and paid and was issued my license.
The third step was the fire marshall. I was worried about this, as there is only one inspector in all of Wichita and was told it may take a while. On Wednesday night, Aug. 6, I called and left a message with him. He called back the very next day at 9am and he had an appt. for the following Monday at 2pm. David and I spent the weekend installing more smoke detectors; putting tools, chemicals, etc. into the shed and garage; and putting locks on the doors. I had the inspection and passed with flying colors. He said I exceeded regulations and he was impressed! Woohoo! So I've spent the last couple days making copies of everything; gathering paperwork; writing my contracts and policies, etc.
Wednesday, August 13, I turned in all the paperwork and wrote my checks for licensed home day care!!!! This can take a while. They send my paperwork to Topeka and get my KBI/SRS background check done, register my dayc are name "Koop's Kids and More". Once all that is done, they'll issue me a temporary license. At the same time, I was contacted this morning by the home health nurse that will be inspecting my house and day care. She has recieved my paperwork and will contact me for my initial visit once it's all submitted. Now I have to be ready, as if I have kids in care with my TB test, files set up, my kids' medical forms, etc. I also have to "finish" the house...locking everything, putting things out of reach, etc. Since I have the kitchen blocked off, all drawers and cabinets locked, I'm not sure if the one "alcove" with cleaners in it, counts as being high enough to be away from kids, or if that will be a violation?! UGH...so much to do yet!
It's happening so fast, yet not fast enough. I need to paint!!! I need to get clients! I need to get motivated and work on my scraproom!!!!!!! I need to get organized! LOL.. Ugh. I need to get motivated. Last night after the kids left, I straightened up a bit and laid on the couch watching my soaps. This morning, I cleaned the table, loaded the dishwasher, recieved a FedEx package, but mostly have benn just sitting on the computer and watching my soaps! It's so quiet here. I'm really enjoying being alone, too much!
That's the update. Things are moving along. Need to get my TB test and get the kids' medical records signed off by thier physician. I also have to give Raeana's mom all the paperwork as well to get done, I'll do that today. It will probably take her a while. I'm gonna start advertising too. I'm waiting on business cards and stuff. I want to have an "open house" once I'm ready. This is so exciting, overwhelming, scary!